A name for our grief....

Its 1:20 in the morning and I find myself unable to sleep, not because Im not sleepy, Im actually exhausted. I find its hard to go to sleep to wake up another day of the world moving on when we are picking up the pieces of our broken hearts. I have been summoning up the courage to post this for a day or two because I feel like it means that I have to admit that life goes on as well.

Justin and I lost our first child to a miscarriage. My doctor believes it happened at some point during my 8th week, but did not start to show symptoms until 11 weeks. I spent a lot of the last week avoiding the world as a whole with the exception of a few who wiggled past my defenses to bring flowers and food.

After spending a sleepless night at the Levelland Emergency room our doctor was able to confirm the lack of heartbeat via ultrasound. We were actually able to see our baby on the monitor. He looked like a peanut :). We were devastated though when my doctor said he was sorry. Levelland is 30 minutes from our house so on the way out of town we had to stop and get gas. Im sure Justin and I were a sight with our swollen and red faces at the gas station. While Justin was pumping the gas a man stopped his truck and asked Justin " do you know Jesus, loves you?, he told me to stop and tell you that", that right then and there gave Justin the reassurance that Jesus was with us right from the beginning of our heartbreak. I spent most of Monday crying, sleeping and begging Jesus to surround us with his presence.

Through all of this we felt we needed a name to our grief, we named our little one Elijah. I had high hopes for Elijah. I wanted to watch Justin teach him to build model airplanes and fish, but mostly I wanted to show him Jesus and the unconditional love he has for his children. I know there will most likely be other children, but I miss HIM and miss that I will never know his little personality or his laugh this side of heaven. I am grieving him.

I can honestly say that this week has been the darkest week of our lives. I have never experienced the depth of heartbreak that I have this week. I can also honestly say though that this week has been the fullest week because God has shown me the depth of his love and comfort through my heartbreak. From the very second that I started cramping i felt him near. I felt him near when all I could do was ask why and beg for understanding, and when all I had were tears and numbness to offer him or anyone else for that matter. I felt him near when he sent an overflow of friends bringing food, flowers and sending text messages of comfort ( if i ignored a text it was not on purpose, I gave Justin my cell phone for the majority of last week and let him field my calls and texts). I felt him near when he showed us that we have the best parents ever. They all shoved aside their grief over losing a grandchild to be with us. My mother in law drove from Fort worth, my mom drove in from Austin and my dad drove in from Fredericksburg to see with their own eyes that we were ok and make sure we were taken care of.
I am so Thankful to all of you who came over with food and flowers or sent cards and called. You really truly have helped us step forward towards healing through this by being vessels of comfort.

Our human nature is to ask God why he let this happen, I still am asking. But I also know that we live in a fallen, diseased world where sickness and death run rampant. Death and disease are the consequences of the fallen world and God desires to offer us comfort and teach us things through the heartbreak of death and disease and draw us closer to his heart.

Bebo Norman has a song that has been running through my head all week. Its the last song on his Ten Thousand Days record ( along with Natalie Grants " Held", and Kim Hills " You are still Holy"). These songs have provided a soundtrack and comfort for this last week and I am sure in the weeks to come.

Rita
Lay down softly in our sorrow
Lay down sister to die
And cover over, my sweet Father
Cover over her eyes

Your broken body, it cannot weather
The years your youth still longs to spend
So go down graceful, sleep with the angels
And wake up whole again

‘Cause it was not your time; that's a useless line
A fallen world took your life

But the God that sometimes can't be found
Will wrap Himself around you
So lay down, sister, lay down

Slower passing are the hours
To tell this tale that takes its time
But the finest moment, no man can measure
Is to look your Savior in the eyes

So take her tender to Your table
Take her from this killing floor
To taste the water that is forever
Let her be thirsty no more

It was not her time; that's a useless line
A fallen world took her life

But the God that sometimes can't be found
Will wrap Himself around you
So lay down, sister, lay down

And the God that sometimes can't be found
Will wrap Himself around you
So lay down, Rita, lay down

Psalm 20:1-3
1MAY THE Lord answer you in the day of trouble! May the name of the God of Jacob set you up on high [and defend you];
2Send you help from the sanctuary and support, refresh, and strengthen you from Zion;
3Remember all your offerings and accept your burnt sacrifice.

Right now our prayers are for healing our broken hearts and physical healing for me ( the miscarriage and surgery was a little more traumatic than it was supposed to be) and for restoration in our lives. I have also been praying that God would not let us forget our child who went to be with Him, but that God would also remove any fear that we might have in trying for more children someday.

Isaiah 61

1"The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, because the LORD hath anointed Me to preach good tidings unto the meek. He hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound,


2To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn,


3To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He might be glorified."


4And they shall build the wastes of old, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the waste cities, the desolations of many generations.