pushing past a wall

If you know me you know that Jesus speaks to me through music. If I really need to hear from him, I turn on a cd and just let me heart listen. Jesus didn't disappoint today when I sat down at the computer to do some car research (an entire different blog). Usually I just sit down and listen until a line or word sticks out to me on the cd. Somehow it opens my heart to hear him more.

Some of you followed our journey last year as we went into our pregnancy, then through the miscarriage. This last fall has been difficult physically as I waited for my body to get back in sync and cycle correctly. In November I went in for tests and found out my thyroid is all messed up. An easy fix with medication, most likely for life. We thought that's what was causing my cycles to be weird... or absent. I went on thyroid medication and thought that would fix everything. It did not. I was back in to see Dr. Babb ( have I mentioned how great he is?). I went on medication to force a cycle in hopes it would jump start my system. Here I am 6 weeks later....

I went in for tests Thursday and had an opportunity to sit and really grill Dr. Babb on some things and maybe get some answers. We will not get the results until next week but he suspects my body is not creating enough of the hormone needed to cause my body to cycle, or sustain a pregnancy. We weighed our options and decided to go on a regimen of fertility medications for one month to see if we can get things going again. He said we could hold off and see if this fixes things, or try to get pregnant this month on the medication. Either way he feels like I will have to be on prescription hormones to sustain pregnancy. Imagine the SHOCK I got when I arrived at CVS to pick all of this up and they told me insurance was not covering the hormone supplement and it was $300 for a months supply! Dr. Babb said I will have to be on it for 10 to 12 weeks past conception. GULP! Thats about $1200. We will have it and it will be so worth it, but jeez!

Since Wednesday I have been waiting for Jesus to step in and offer comfort and peace and tell me whats right? Well backtrack to about November. I have been begging Jesus to heal me and make me whole in this. He has not, in a tangible way answered this prayer.
I have learned some things and been convicted of some pride I have concerning becoming a mother, but I have felt a wall concerning being healed and where he is at in this latest development. I haven't been able to hear him, or feel him working in my heart. Enter Brook Fraser and her CD Albertine....

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for

[CHORUS]
When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

My desire to hear him has become desperate. Only he knows my heart and how its broken that my body is broken. He knows that even though he doesn't acknowledge he knows it. That comfort right now is all I need. I choose to stand on the scriptures that say 5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, ( Jeremiah 1).