Its time I posted SOMETHING at least.....

About the baby!

Thursday, May 7th, I stopped at the CVS on the way to the gym to pick up a pregnancy test. I was only a day late, and after almost a year of irregularity, I really didn't expect anything. I didn't tell Justin I was doing it and my plan was to go to the gym, take the test, and throw it away so I could pretend I never took it.

Imagine my surprise when it said "positive" within 3 or 4 seconds of me setting it down! I decided it would be fun to go through my workout and spend an hour relishing the secret I had.

After I got home I told Justin to come into the kitchen. He thought I was going to tell him I had wrecked our new car :).

He was shocked when I just blurted it out.

My doctor couldn't see me until a whole week later, so we decided we would just tell our parents. That first week was the hardest. Not because I didn't want to keep a secret, but because I was so afraid I would lose it and did not want to open up my heart to the possibility of this working out.

That has been pretty much my state of mind up until last Thursday. We went in for my second appointment and first sonogram. They don't usually do sonograms at 10 weeks, but since we lost the first baby at 8 weeks and my body didn't tell me until 11 weeks, Dr. Babb wanted to be safe.

It took the ultrasound tech a while to actually find my uterus. They told me to have a full bladder when I got there. I guess they didn't really mean 64 ounces though :).
When I first saw the baby my heart just...... stopped. When she turned up the sound and we heard the rapid heartbeat (170 per minute), I never thought my heart would ever start again. I cried, Justin cried, the ultrasound Tech cried, and even Dr. Babb cried when we showed him the pictures.

When I think about it, I still don't feel pregnant EMOTIONALLY. I feel very little attachment to the baby. I feel very pregnant PHYSICALLY. Somehow my head and my heart are not making the connection. I have a feeling that fear is the barrier. I know that most of this has to do with my time wandering in the dessert away from Jesus. I'm slowly trying to find my way back. Since we didn't really plan or expect this pregnancy, I have had thoughts go through my head like " I wish this wasn't right now, I wish I was in a better place with Jesus BEFORE I got pregnant so I could experience the whole thing to the fullest with Jesus". I know my friends out there who have had conception problems are saying and thinking "shut up you big baby and enjoy it". I know they say it in love and I know they have every right to say it. My heart is just hidden away right now. Please be praying for us in this. I know Justin is experience similar things in his heart.

The baby is doing well. Right on track for 10 weeks with a good strong heartbeat. My hormone levels are where they should be. I am experiencing the full gamut of symptoms, including morning sickness..... all day I want to toss my cookies sickness I mean! My bedtime has changed to as early as 8pm some nights, but never any later than 10. I used to go to bed at 11 or 12 every night. That early bedtime IS with a nap at lunch most days. Justin is beginning to tease me about my gut. 2 weeks ago I went to bed with my normal (not flat, but normal) stomach and woke up the next day with a pooch. it has been slowly growing since. My big comfy jeans still fit and one pair of bigger dress pants fit. Otherwise for me i have had to dig into my elastic clothes (gym shorts, yoga pants) and my maternity clothes. After this paragraph, one would wonder why the paragraph before even exists.....

By the way, my due date is January 7. I have already gotten the question today if I had picked colors or a theme. This was coming from someone who never found out what they were having and picked a neutral theme and color. I guess they expected me to do the same. If its a boy we want to do an airplane theme with a light icy blue and chocolate brown color theme. Justin builds model airplanes and we thought it would be cool if he built cheapy little ones to hang from the ceiling ( the ones that don't really have small parts). If its a girl I want a dark purple wall with white, pink and purple butterflies. So the theme is really butterflies... We will see, I may change my mind by the time we get to that point.

My next appointment is July 16th. Then when we go back in August we will be able to find out the sex. That will truly be amazing!