An unexpected dark day

Throughout my life I have thought myself as someone who rebounded from sorrow easily. Hurt from others usually sticks with me for a while ( something Jesus is working on in me), but sorrow from life's circumstances doesn't normally stick. It has led me to ask questions like " was my parents divorce REALLY that bad?" or "was my grandma dying really as sad as I thought". I look back on those events and think that maybe I never really "knew" sorrow like others had.

But then sorrow and I became cozily acquainted. This last July. I really thought my spirit would be as resilient as it had before. But it still hits me when I least expect it.

Like a few weeks ago when I received an invitation to a baby shower for some friends who are due in January right around when I would have been due. I would have been having a shower right around now. Don't get me wrong, I don't want my friends to walk on eggshells for fear I will be hurt by their happiness. I am genuinely excited for them right now and want to help them celebrate this time.

Like this morning. Be prepared... some of this might be TMI... but I really thought when Dr. Babb said we had to wait 3 months to try again that it meant I would be "regular" by now. Boy was I wrong. Which means I may have a 3 week cycle or a 5 week cycle. The 5 week cycle is what happened this time. I really though " Oh my gosh... could I be pregnant again?" Cruel joke... that was hit home by negative test after negative test this week. Which has led to the thought process of " if I had carried to term I would not be going through this today". That thought led to " Jesus, I love you but Im not very happy with you right now". Not that He caused it or whatever... I just wish he would swoop in and rebuild his kingdom on earth so this sorrow would not be so hard to live with. Like Chris Rices' song " Just wanna be with you".

This morning I have been searching for scripture that comforts my heart. Friends have prophesied that there will be more children for us someday, my heart is just impatient today and longing for restoration of my body and my spirit after everything that has happened. Today made me realize that I may never fully recover from losing a child. I may be able to move on and find joy in my heart, but does one ever recover from this, or should one?